Kites... Life.

News, Views, and Boo-Boos from Mike Gillard, Kitelife Editor/Publisher

Whew, What A Year!

1999 was a wild year for kiting, here are some of the stories that made the news (and maybe a few that didn't).

January

23 At the Kite Trade Association show, 12 new stunt kites are unveiled, 8 of them have "Jam" in the name. Benson wins the coveted Best New Product Award with the "Clotted Cream and Jam". Attendees are wowed by the dreadlock bridle.

February

10 In the grand tradition of the Level Seven, it has been discovered that your name has to be "Andy" to get the Clotted Cream and Jam to actually fly. Thousands are buying the kite anyway. The Gone With The Wind website crashes from the traffic.

16 Feeling a little lonely, being the only US stunt kite manufacturing company, Prism chief Mark Reed changes his name to Dieter. Petitions Seattle City Council to become a German state. Council defeats motion.

20 Dan Whitney buys a new cigarette boat, names it "Jam".

March

1 The first "National Kite Month", an idea bred and sold by David Gomberg, begins.

17 Dieter Reed is amused to see that Prism sales have doubled in last month.

31 NKM is a roaring success, 200 events are registered, kites are splashed all over mainstream media.

April

14 Gomberg is named US Ambassador to the United Nations.

23 Gomberg e-mails Jimmy Carter and the Dalai Lama with some ideas, within 24 hours there is a lasting peace agreement in the Mideast.

25 Rec.kites newsgroup erupts in a flame war over proper headgear for kiters in Israel and the Golan Heights.

May

3 European kite company introduces a new windtoy, a Ventex and carbon scarecrow titled the "Master Destructor"; uses an ex-employee as the model. The "MD" spins around, emitting a whiny noise. It includes a "Palm Pilot" module, that posts a snotty message to rec.kites every 9 days.

27 After 13 years of trying to entice the thousands of boardwalk denizens to join the festival, Wildwood promoter Roger Chewning hires "Puffy" Combs as co-promoter. As Gov. Whitman is rewarding the anti-drug "DARE" kids, the hip-hop concert (sponsored by Colt 45 Malt Liquor) starts on Field #2. Eastern League All-Star Band draws quizzical looks, maybe having them follow the Insane Clown Posse was not the way to go. Thousands of concertgoers join in the melee that started as the Rokkaku Battle. The battle continues for 20 minutes after the last kite goes down. Van Meers frantically rifles through rulebook to determine winner.

28 Kite Festival makes the front page of the New York Times!

June

4 An unknown man known as the "Unakiter" decides to bring out his version of the "Master Destructor". His version, the "Marionette", features 12 steps, err, lines; and is designed to post 9 mostly unintelligible messages to rec.kites per minute.

July

16 With the "Master Destructor" and "Marionette" being huge sales successes, the Internet melts down under the weight of the millions of daily postings to rec.kites.

21 Kiting makes the big time, getting simultaneous cover stories in Time, Newsweek, Anarchy Today, and PC Magazine.

27 With the Internet still down, Gillard sells Kitelife to Larry Flynt for a song. 

30 Gillard is a broken, homeless man.

August

9 Al Gore reinvents Internet. Master Destructor, Marionette, and Palm Pilots are banned by international treaty. Kiting barely escapes alive.

10 Larry Flynt, having renamed Kitelife.com to %&*@life.com, publishes first issue.

12 %&*@life.com's "Barely Legal Buck-Naked Kitebabes Next Door" issue sets traffic records.

September

12 At the Euro Cup, STACK tries a unique new way to determine European stunt kite champions. They send half the judges home, issue blindfolds to the others.

 13 In the never-ending quest to keep up with the Euros, AKA selects a committee to write guidelines for Judge Blindfolds.

October

11-16 AKA Convention held at Muncie Indiana. Weather deteriorates throughout week, climaxing in a hailstorm of frogs on Saturday. During Bill Benneker's ballet performance, a frog scores a direct hit on Field Director Phil Broder, going down his shirt. Broder yanks the frog out and tosses it, unfortunately hitting Benneker squarely in the eye. Benneker staggers from the field in obvious pain. He then returns to field, and with a two-handed shove, pushes Broder to the ground.

20 AKA Board of Directors stages emergency meeting to deal with Convention problems. After the rampant transvestitism at the event, they form the International Kiting Dress Code Committee to avoid a repeat of such gender-bending antics at future events. The resulting IKDC will take 27 months to complete, and span 93 pages. (Whilst the duly-elected Head Chief Wardrobe Barrister, at the extremely mandatory hourly meetings, will consider, reverse, and obfuscate the conundrums, paradigms, and palindromes of the key elephant's knickers, blah blah blah).

The Board takes strong action against Benneker for the on-field shove, suspending him for two events, and revoking his pay for those events. Board is red faced when they realize they now have to PAY Benneker $327.45.

November

9 It is discovered that Larry Flynt is the Unakiter. #$%&life.com is added to most kiter's killfiles, readership drops to... one.

22 Gillard's remaining few friends find him living under bridge, perform an intervention. They travel to Flynt's mansion, and negotiate the repurchase of #$%^life.com. 

26 Gillard ponders what to do with the "Barely Legal Buck-Naked Kitebabes Next Door" issue. Offers it to Kitelines for publication as their Spring issue. Val Govig takes a look at it, faints.

December

31

11:30pm, London Gomberg and Chris Matheson are standing on a bridge in central London, sharing toast #48. Gomberg has packed away all of his giant kites, save one. The biggest, ugliest Peter Lynn kite in the world still floats above the Thames. (It seems that Peter misjudged fads, a 2,000 sq. ft. replica of the Beanie Baby "Slimy The Slug" wouldn't even sell on "Dave's Warehouse and Used Ugly Stuff" page. Peter is working on the .8 sqare mile Pokemon kite). Too whacked to bring the kite in, Gomberg thinks "what the hell, let the thing stay up there all night, or fall in the river for all I care". Prophetic thought, there.

11:59:02pm, London After enjoying toast #51, Dave and Chris watch the wall of fire rush up the Thames.

11:59:57pm, London The massive fireworks display starts. Dave and Chris are holding each other up.

12:00:09am In Russia, Y2K missile command system misinterprets London fireworks as an Allied missile launch. The vodka-crazed Russian can't abort the launch sequence.

12:01-12:18am, London As the world breathlessly watches reports of the deadly Russian bird arcing its way toward London, Dave and Chris are tipping toast #55. Chris spills his drink on Dave's shoes.

12:19am, London As the last of the Grand Finale fireworks fizzles into the river, the Russian missile achieves its apogee, and begins it deadly plunge toward central London. The onboard Target Acquisition System tries to find the launch site for the "Allied Missile", is unable to do so. It locks onto a large, brown object floating 300' over the Thames.

12:20am, London Missile strikes Slimy The Slug. Fortunately, Y2K bugs have incapacitated the missile detonation system. Slimy the Slug envelops the missile, makes a huge fart sound as it goes into the Thames with the missile.

In today's celebrity-driven, sound bite world, Gomberg is hailed as the savior of human existence.

Kiting will become the Official World Pastime. AKA gets a seat at the UN.

05:17am, Rome Pope John Paul awakes with indigestion. Private doctor is called, gives the Pope two Tums.

07:00am, Rome Papal Search Committee begins discrete inquiries. Is Gomberg Catholic, or at least open to conversion?

April 1, 2000 There is white smoke from the Vatican.